so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
