AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize