you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
