i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
