Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
