She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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