I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
