He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
