Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
