I accidentally had phone sex last night
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
