Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
