Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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