Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We left the knife in your bed.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
