Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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