In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize