In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
