I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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