It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
