GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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