Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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