Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
