I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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