either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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