mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
