While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
