a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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