Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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