I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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