in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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