I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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