So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
