My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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