he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
