i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
