I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You need a sexual gate keeper
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
