I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
