mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
