the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
