Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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