i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
