Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
