Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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