I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
