Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
