my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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