allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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