My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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