He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
