If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
