Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
