I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish you could order shots online.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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