I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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