I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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