I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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