When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We got so high we made milksteak
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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