I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize