What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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