Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
