you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
