Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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