she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
