once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
