Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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