I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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